It’s the life I lead, the fear of eating, yet, I’m fat.
It’s really sad that I’ve lived a life being jealous of people who can eat, like I mean really eat. Those who don’t count calories, macros, steps or exercise times, oh how I envy you.
Those people who can live and not care what size they are, and what size they fit into, I want to be those people. I also, want to be alive and feel good, so the jealousy, envy, does it outweigh [excuse the pun] the benefits of counting every moment in calories, exercise, etc so to have that freedom of eating when and how they like. “hey, let’s go get an ice cream”, do you know the terror this strikes in my psyche.
Ask me why, I fear being fatter [than I am already] ask me, just ask me why. I’ll tell you why: As young as the age of 3 I can see myself sitting on a toilet, counting my fat rolls and thinking to myself, I’m a fatty. Where does this type of thinking come from? Yeah, I’m sure you all know where it comes from.
So whether, you’re fat, skinny, tall or short, be cognizant how you comment on someone’s appearance, there is always someone listening, especially children.
I’ll probably go to my grave counting my last calorie, if I made my steps for the day, or if my macros were in line. Because, I’ve spent my life fearing fat and being fat and someone judging me for being fat.
Why can’t I just be Barbi, and yes, I’d love to go out for an ice cream [she says hoping it doesn’t really happen] This is my life, and this is what I was trained to be, and this is why I have depression, anxiety, eating disorder and body dysmorphia. There isn’t a decision I make that doesn’t involve thinking about food and its effect on my body. Granted, I’m strong, muscular and my body is 20% fat, but I hear that is good. However, to me, its a grand flaw.
I can only imagine all the energy I’d have back if I could travel in time and replace all those moments of anxiety and effort towards my body with happy positive thoughts and just enjoy life. Again, children listen to their parents and I’m a prime example of a person who was called ‘fat’ all the time, not just by parents, but family members, school peers and teachers included. My existence was based on my appearance. Now my brain has altered my way of living, its been hardwired to be fearful and anxiety ridden 24/7 of ‘just getting an ice cream”.
I wanted to give you all a bit of insight to why I am the way I am, why I try to move so much, why I keep myself busy, through pain and discomfort so to quiet my discriminating mind. I have no need or energy to judge you, I’m too busy tearing myself apart. Because when I do have that ice cream, cookie, chocolate, cheesecake, I fear it for days, weeks, and I ridicule myself for doing it. I may say, “oh, I don’t care” or “oh, I deserve it, I worked hard”…that fear that settles in me, like the scum of old soup, it can’t be undone.
Carry on, and oh, have an ice cream for me. Discrimination hurts, no matter who you are, keep it to yourself and reach for the top shelf of behaviors, the ones that will make someone smile and carry with them for the entire day.
ItsMeBarbi 