I truly believe we all start something with the full intent of finishing. NOT! I start, knowing very well that I won’t finish or at the very least I will fuck it all up. Yep, pretty much, so when I do finish anything, oh shit-cow, I’m totally surprised. Imagining myself running down the street naked screaming a declaration of completion with a side course of “really, I’m amazed too, quit looking a my nipples”.
Everyday brings about new prospects. Prospects you say. Yes, what omens/signs/nudges will the universe push me towards that will bring some success. Because you all know it’s worked wonders thus far, right? Yet, getting out of this mode of thinking is difficult if not downright impossible.
It’s an undeniable, insatiable ability to have faith in hope. Kinda counter-intuitive to us less than intelligent type. Well, I need to work on that today. Another piece of not-so-good news has landed before us again, financial of course, we take it up the ass.
Let me tell you a story of girl who has done nothing but make bad decisions from the moment of conception.
- Choosing the wrong set of parents, they didn’t want me or love me and lied to me daily
- Choosing the wrong body to be born into and endure the criticism of anyone who thought their 2 fucking cents mattered on the subject of my chubster rolls.
- Being verbally, physically, emotionally abused for years that I’ve literally lost count.
- Years of being on my own and attempting to survive, it hurts…
- Choosing every abusive boyfriend, it was like I was a magnet.
- Married Mr. Wrong, [caveat of this one, 2 wonderful child I do not regret]
- Married again for the wrong reasons, but don’t regret it [caveat, I grew as a person]
- Returning to college
- Student Loans, don’t do it, it’s a real-time ghost that never goes away.
- 2 weeks after graduation in 2010 with a master’s degree in science, Human Services, my youngest and only daughter gets married, leaves for North Carolina and I’m diagnosed with cancer. Triple negative HER BC.
- Nearly died from chemo, a little dramatic, but I’m damn sure death would have been less painful, ya think?
- Radiation for 33 rounds, still paying for that physiologically
- Could not find work because who wants to hire a bald person with cancer?
- A year and half later I found cancer again, Lucy was hiding in my ovaries this time, bitch.
- Chemo again, this time, I did die, inside many times, part of me has not been reborn, good parts died, wish I had.
- Still no work in my field, now its been 3 years, student loans mounting
- Employer doesn’t want to take another chance in my cancer returning, letting me go by setting me up [yes, I have proof, but no will to move forward]
- Finally finding work in my field sort of, liking it but working with a bully who has chosen me to be their bitch. For now…
- I hate my job a regret it every day, but out of desperation for a paycheck, there’s no way out.
- Applying for several jobs being turned down, again reinforcing my worthlessness
- In severe financial distress due to student loans and wondering how are we going to survive any longer at this rate
- Thankful I have a husband who understands and kinda likes my crazy, even though he’s super judgy.
- Possible job opportunity ahead, so I spent money we don’t have on a class that could help me with the initial interview.
- Feeling worthless and not wanting to go forward
- I’m tired but writing helps
- 54 and have really nothing to show but a long trail of shit and poor decisions, what a great asset to society I’ve become.
So there now, all that whining is out. Now welcome to my dark world where with one positive thought, there are five to disprove and squash its benefit.
I do know that others have it worse, others are stronger than I. I’ve struggled, no hand outs, no winning the damn lottery, no inheritance to fall back on, just surviving, it’s like treading water for indeterminate amount of time with no clear end in sight.
Einstein said, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results”. Yeah, told ya, I’m not super intelligent, but yet, I have no fucking clue of what to do next. Jung talked about a shadow…I think my shadow is now who I am, a very dark confused human who can fake life better than most, then walk away and hide.
So how is your day going?
ItsMeBarbi 