Adult lessons that I thought I had figured out are pretty much gone at this point. The last 6 months of my life have been a roller coaster of shit and shit and some good stuff.
I quit my job for another of which they screwed me over. Now I’m unemployed and applied at my past job and yeah, they are ghosting me. So, guess now, I swing.
A lot of personality changes have occured and with those changes Adult Lessons have resurfaced. One of the Adult Lessons that has surfaced is forgiveness. Why has this surfaced. Well, mostly because there has been a lot of death in the past decade and well, forgiving people before or after they have died is important, I think.
For example, this is a conversation my sister and I have had several times. Our father was an unemotional asshole. If there were an award for this type of person he’d be in the top 10. Why? That’s a whole other blog. Brief synopsis. Who allows 6 kids to be abused in every way imaginable 7 days a week by their mother, resetting bones, bandaging cuts, etc. Then lets add some frosting on that cake, and add emotional abuse by Daddy himself.
So when he died, somehow he became a god of sorts. To our step siblings anyway. My sister and I are like, “who in fuck’s hell are they talking about?” They go on and on about what wonderful father and grandfather he was when he was alive. So forgive me when on his deathbed he proclaims to my siblings, “you all are a disappointment to me”, I can’t jump on that bandwagon. Are we a little less confused and caught up a bit?
So back to the Adult Lesson of forgiveness. The whole God thing after death and such. I’ve learned to forgive my parents for the horror we call a childhood. They did the best they could or knew how, its how I rationale it. Doesn’t mean I can forget. So dead or not, you’re forgiven but your acts cannot be forgotten. Something to think about isn’t it?
This branches off to the present and since I’ve had cancer a couple of times, facing the old reaper isn’t a first time gig anymore. Then I started thinking about what people would think about me. How would I be perceived? How would I be remembered? Newer peeps in my life see me 180 of who I was 30+ years ago. Back then, I was a scrappy thing, struggling to survive, having babies that I shouldn’t have had, I was in no way qualified to have a child in my care. In my defense, I grew up fast.
People back then probably will hear things today that they will do a whole Scooby doo head cocked thing in response and say, “who the fuck’s hell are you talking about?” This response may occur during many phases of my life with many different people. This had me doing the whole Scooby doo-head-cocked thing. Why should I be any different? Exactly! I know you were thinking this too!
Adult lesson: Allow people to change and allow them to be who they have grown to be. We all are doing our best in what we do. I’ve grown into this person day by day, shedding layers of asshole-ness and gaining sensitivity, empathy and love for those who need to be loved because others feel they don’t deserve to be loved.
How will I be remembered, I hope its one of ‘she was one hell of a trip’, ‘she loved to laugh’, ‘she loved her kids and grandbabies with her entire soul’, she loved her husband through it all’, ‘she never stopped trying’, ‘Gah, she was a real bitch at times’…etc. Because that is who I am. An accumulation of life and it’s changes. Life twists you, breaks you, allows you to heal and does it all over again and again and again.
And that’s okay. So during your changing, remember this adult lesson, you’re not alone in it, and grant some people a pass, myself included. I have a person in my life at the moment that I struggle with ‘liking’ because of all the lousy shit she did towards me, just because I existed. However, I’m trying to move past it and embrace this person in great hopes that she too is transforming and aware that her thoughts and actions are part of the problem as well. Let’s hope, I am.
Growing up is hard, it’s even harder when there are invisible chains holding you back. Let’s name those chains, Ego…yeah, ego is an asshole, always protecting us from what we need to hear. Pride…always blocking out humility. Then there is Anger…defending our honor even if we’re wrong. Let’s not forget, Ignorance…being ignorant of the fact that most of the human race is going through exactly what we are going through. Last but not least, Jealousy…the strongest chain of all, I’d go for this one first because it can do the most damage. No good comes from holding on to jealous feelings. Zero, nada, zip…no good at all!
So the next time you allow those chains to warp your thinking, make a great attempt to unbind yourself and let go, because we aren’t locked in to who we are, the chains are invisible and can be left behind with little to no effort at all. Okay, a little effort, I didn’t want to scare you off. It’s work, but if you can’t afford to do the good work of changing, then what is the point of participating at all. Keep all that shit to yourself and do your best not to hurt others. With great hope you’ll be remembered for that as well.
In the end, as Ram Dass states: “We’re just walking each other home” I say, let’s make it fun and keep life interesting by enjoying each Adult lesson including the toughest of all…CHANGE…allow it to happen.
Barbi
ItsMeBarbi 