The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round, ’round and ’round, ’round and round, the wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round, all through the town. There ya go ladies and gents, my life in a child’s song.
I’ve not been given an easy path in this life and many a day, well, it gets just too fucking much and I really just wanna give up…then I mind fuck myself into thinking there’s a grander purpose to my existence and really knowing there isn’t but living the illusion is all I can do because the alternative is would too hurtful to my family, because in some bizarre way they see something about me that I don’t…so for their sake I wake tomorrow and endure the torture until I don’t or can’t whatever comes first. I know it’s a bit dark but I’m tired and there haven’t many that have lived the life I have and review the memories I do on a repeat reel of “Barbi, this is your life”.
I stepped back from writing because I felt it only brought out the dark in my mind. Maybe it does, maybe that’s all that is there. I don’t know. I don’t know much at all, but this life is tiring and my mind is hanging by a thread. Fearful of a nights sleep, fearful of all the thoughts that can creep in and destroy any happy left. This is my life. It’s fucked. Totally fucked.
When I wake tomorrow and shake the sleep from the brain, I’ll realize its just another day in a prison I can’t escape, never moving passed what I hoped I could. Because there is something underlying in my psyche that is preventing me from moving forward. What the hell it is, I have no idea, but I’m getting angry. More than angry, just plain pissed off and would like to strangle the life out of my parents [they are dead, no worries] and ask them, “what the hell were you thinking???” “You shouldn’t have been parents in any sense of the word”
Today, I’ve given up, and allowing whatever the Universe has planned for me, well, let’s do it. Not gonna lie, I’m scared shitless. I’ve been scared shitless since I took this new job, in this new field, in this unpolished skill that I’m quite sure that I may fail in…what the fuck was I thinking??? Thoughts of grandeur, thoughts of security, thoughts of paying off student loans that haven’t done shit in my life but grow double in size. Yes, scared shitless, I am.
Having trust in moving forward is tough, here’s the deal. I get paid when I work with clients. I work within Autistic Services with Easterseals. However, no clients, no $$$. Leaving a reasonable steady job, taking the risk, throwing out stability. Granted, I wasn’t making squat, but I at least I knew what tomorrow would be, at this moment, I’m in daze of unknown. Again, what the fuck was I thinking????
I was thinking that I needed more in this life. To do some good, to make a difference and to pay back my success of making it this far without completely fucking everything up. So here I write to an abyss of names and faces that I’ll probably never meet in hopes that someone reading this will have a direct connection to the Universe transport my cries of help directly to it.
Being home and doing the grandma thing is awesome, but it doesn’t pay, and I need to work. Yes, being employed is good mostly because I like to pay my bills and eat. Weird concept, right? Anyway, if we could make it, I would stay home, take care of the things that need done, watch the grandkids and just be me. In reality, it’s who I am and pretty much the only thing I’m good at doing 100%
My plea to the Universe, please let my ‘happy’ shine, find the passion that is buried deep in my psyche remove the worry and fear of failing and allow it awaken and soar. Help me be and do me for whatever I was intended to do in this life. Living in this earthy purgatory has become overwhelming. Lift the veil, I’m ready.
ItsMeBarbi 