Hello world, how ya doing today?
Today boys and girls, since my absence to the blog world has been unintentional due to life being sooooo busy and I like only to write in private. My husband has been home for days and his presence interferes into my writing mojo. Anywho…today we talk about life and the software that shapes us as humans.
Getting right into it. I was born fat, have always been fat. I have been called every fat name in the book that anyone can thing of, and that was by my family. So you’re looking at the pictures above, right? Well, that’s pretty much as fat as I ever got, exception of being pregnant of course and yet, never too fat by some standards that aren’t my own.
My weight has shaped my life. Every decision, every thought [the first one each morning: have a lost any today?] Crazy right? I wake up and measure my half and half in my coffee, I watch each carb, etc. Oh yeah, I mention the carb thing. I’ve been doing Keto for over a year and have lost about 30lbs in the year time. However, in the past 2 weeks, I’ve gained 5lbs. Not sure how and why.
I can’t tell you how this is shaping my self-confidence at the moment. I can’t tell you how much this fucks with my head. My weight SHOULD not fuck with me this much. Yet, it does. I run roughly 15 miles a week, do weights and yet, the fat in me survives. What the fuck?
I literally can’t stand to look at myself. Now the people around me, tell me all the positive stuff anyone would love to hear. Nope, I don’t listen, not in the slightest. In my head, I just repeat the mantra of whatever. Do I stop eating, nope. It’s not as if I like food either. It’s a bittersweet relationship, I like it, but I don’t at the same time. An enemy of sorts, that I need to maintain to stay alive. It’s fucked.
So you are thinking, as I’ve heard from my mental husband, I have body dysmorphic issues. Oh you’re probably right, but I think I’m in love with being mental. Hello, one sick puppy here, with no cure.
From morning to night it is my focus. What will I eat here or there? Racing to the scale each morning after I pee, throwing off my clothes to see how much I’ve lost. Or after pooping, I undress and weigh myself again, and call it a victory if a couple of ounces come off.
I’ve had every test run on my body. No thyroid issues, no diabetes, nope nothing. I purchased a body metric scale, a food scale, etc. A Keto diet has been the only success story that hasn’t involved drugs [teenage years and speed, a whole other story] starving or intense exercise. I feel great, yet my mind is still fucked up.
I’ve never written about these issues. I really wish I could be like others and just accept myself for what I was planted and built to be, but I don’t seem to be able to get out of my own head to manage this feat.
I often wonder if I hadn’t taken care of myself like I’ve had for over 50 years, what would I have been like. Would I have been one of those 600lb people or would my absence of thinking about my weight issue gained me a thin perspective on life [thank you family for my body awareness issues…oh gawwwdddd]
No idea, because my awareness of my body began as a 3-4 year old little girl sitting on the toilet looking into a mirror and counting my belly roll fat. That’s an image I cannot forget, ever! Since then, I hid my body, no skin ever, no swimsuits, no tank tops, as long as I couldn’t see the rolls they didn’t exist.
See the picture of me on the right. It took a lot to get there, and it’s going to take much more to grow out of this mindset and software conditioning. But first, those 5 pounds…I’m not lying, I have issues.
ItsMeBarbi 