If I could lay my brains out on a table…

Maybe, just maybe someone could make sense of the nonsense I call a brain.  There isn’t any logical explanation why I continue to choose or do poorly.  My motivation to fail is outstanding.  It shines brighter than the moon.  When I need to succeed, well, fail stands right up and states, Fuck you, there is no way in your lifetime you will succeed.  Fail flashes me a peace sign and giggles, “bye, Felicia”.

Laying my brain out, unfolding the worm like tissues, untangling the meshuga that transmits thought and possibly putting it all back together then maybe, just maybe, I can after 54 years succeed at something else but failing.

I’m educated, street smart, but for the life of me, when I’m called upon to answer a question, this brain of mine goes completely dark.  Not just a little forgetful, no darker than dark like I never had the information in the first place.  Then suddenly, boom, it returns after I leave the building.  Then failure says, “there, there, you can always try again” with that laugh that you know is pure bullshit.

As I see it and probably appears to others, I am the epitome of fail, find the word ‘fail’ and you will see my face.  Or at very least my brain.  I’m sure its been hardwired to fail, I can’t imagine for any other reason or cause, the path to succeed escapes me completely.

Today, in my heart of hearts I wanted this job.  I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to move forward from the present employment of which is not doing any good for anyone.  I bombed it, brought in my self-destructive personality and bombed it.  The true me, the funny, smart and playful me, hid inside like a turtle, scared to death to show itself.  So today, I’m giving up.  For all I care a bus can hit me tomorrow and end this bullshit.  I’m so over being broke, tired and forgotten.  So over it.

It’s groundhog day everyday in my head.  A labyrinth of failing of which is my only success.  ‘If only’s’ are my only comfort.  Nonsense remarks from others, “oh you’ll do better next time”, “you’re being to hard on yourself”, etc, etc, you all have heard it before.

I write this in hopes that others can know they aren’t alone, not just a forum to bitch and complain, but to see the darkness lies in us all.  I hide it pretty well, which to many may seem that I’m not as unhappy as I state and maybe I’m just a whiny bitch.   People find it hard to believe when I confide in them about my forever state of unhappiness.  It’s not as if I don’t know happiness, I do know happiness and it is a fleeting moment, now and then, never staying for long, just long enough for me to have a taste of what it is like.  Then its gone as quickly as it arrives.

Those moments of giving birth, the giggle of my children.  The playfulness of a kitten or puppy.  The proud moment when your child is more than just a little awesome.  But never a moment where the internal happiness rises from my inner core and says, “hello” do I get to experience it.

I continue to write and allow the process maybe to find its way to happiness, thinking that possibly if I allow all the dark to spew from my brain and physical being so I can lock the door and it can’t return.  Allowing all the darkness to flow into the pages of the internet, trapping it forever, then maybe at some point, at any point, I can say, “bye Felicia”, just maybe.  There, at that moment, I can call a success and push failure to the curb.